Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?
Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”