@Mardigroan

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

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@kacisuewho

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

@GraceSpelman

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

@kibblesmith

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

@Audenary

Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys

@fro_vo

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

@Gupton68

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

@RoobsC

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

@bea_ker

Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?

Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour

*courtroom gasps*

@thepunningman

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

@HenpeckedHal

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”