Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Strange
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.