@drayzze

I’m not superstitious.

But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.

#FridayThe13th

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

@SweetBlueNote

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

@trojansauce

*in the corridor of the club waiting for my transitions lenses to turn back into glasses* i’ll see you ladies inside

@Cpin42

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

@capnwatsisname

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

@XplodingUnicorn

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

@FeralFerrell

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

@pregnant_cat

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

@FunnyTunes

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

@KeetPotato

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes