I’m not superstitious.

But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.


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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.


That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.


*in the corridor of the club waiting for my transitions lenses to turn back into glasses* i’ll see you ladies inside


Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist


Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*


Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.


Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again



Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you


[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good


If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.


[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]