Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
You Might Also Like
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Finally a use for spoilers…
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both