Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
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Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?