I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended