I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
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[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT