I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
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white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
that de-escalated quickly
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes