I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
This one’s “Alex”.