Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again