Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀