I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
You Might Also Like
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
We cut our bangs at dawn.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
#catsoftwitter
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any