I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.