@RdrJay47

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

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@SwoonTwang

I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

@rebrafsim

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

@Cpin42

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

@Henry_3000

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

@figgled

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

@angibangie

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

@skin_and_i

I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

@UncleDuke1969

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

@BuyBritishMilk

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.