I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

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I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.


Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.




I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater


If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.


am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes


Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.


I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724


BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.


By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.