This is why I hate group projects
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
this is the greatest thing ever
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no