@Richman_89

I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.

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@faizziy

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

@realHamOnWry

I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’

@SomePieceOfshit

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

@Theropologist

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

@ItsAndyRyan

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

@drewjanda

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

@ADHDeanASL

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

@Darlainky

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

@PJTLynch

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago