I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
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co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
ã…¤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
huge if true: the moon
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch