I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
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thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Stop it! 😂
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one