I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Fluff me with a fork baby
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.