I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
How it started How it’s going
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.