I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
You Might Also Like
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard