I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
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Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
my favorite genre of twitter