@daddydoubts

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

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@DaveWeasel

The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.

@Sassafrantz

Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.

@haveigotnews

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

@mela_shea

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

@MoistPork

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

@NrouteHQ

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.