Lol Tomb Raider.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
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The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.
Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.