I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
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obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad