I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
tell em, edith-anne
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going