I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.