I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric