@LurkAtHomeMom
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
@squirrel74wkgn
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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@LurkAtHomeMom
@sarcasticmommy4
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
@omgthatspunny
No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
@Steelers1972
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
@ArfMeasures
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
@blade_funner
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
@DPRK_News
“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.
@ThisOneSayz
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
@WilliamRodgers
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
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