@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

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@jacob_swift16

‘What I’m about to say is extremely important!!’

-Drunk people

@TequilaSaltlife

Them: Can you fix my computer while I am at lunch?

Me: You do know IT people eat food like other humans, right?

@1followernodad

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

@JP_theAntiHero

Cat: who?
Me: what?
Cat: when?
Me: where?
Cat: how?
Me:
Cat: we need a life
Me: we
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
Me:

@beefman138

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

@petemandik

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

@trashcanbee

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

@PetrickSara

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

@actioncookbook

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not