My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water