‘What I’m about to say is extremely important!!’
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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Them: Can you fix my computer while I am at lunch?
Me: You do know IT people eat food like other humans, right?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Cat: we need a life
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not