i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
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[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*