I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Coffee for people with no kids
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.