I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I am patiently waiting for your email