“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”