@BradBroaddus

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

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@Dawn_M_

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

@aotakeo

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

@hipstermermaid

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

@leftarmisme

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

@animaldrumss

To those out there who have accused me of selling out, of abandoning my beliefs and values to climb the social ladder: uh… yeah. yes.

@TheWoodenslurpy

To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.

@robin_991

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

@botandy

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

@OctopusCavemann

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts