[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
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Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
in australia we call her kilometrey cyrus
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage