I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
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Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
every college guy’s fridge
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.