I’m not the hero Gotham deserves. I’m Pete I work at Subway. Do u want extra meetballs.

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SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot


9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.


BIDEN: I’mma punch him when he comes here.
OBAMA: No, Joe. Don’t do that.
BIDEN: Punch him round the back.
BIDEN: Kick, then.


I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.


Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”


Boss: Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Me: Not cool, dude. Jan’s just pregnant.
Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.


Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.


I want to know the backstory of when an eyelash turns evil and says “That’s it. I’m done protecting the eye. I’m going in to destroy it now”


And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”