@othersome

I’m not the hero Gotham deserves. I’m Pete I work at Subway. Do u want extra meetballs.

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@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

@copymama

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

@SimonNRicketts

BIDEN: I’mma punch him when he comes here.
OBAMA: No, Joe. Don’t do that.
BIDEN: Punch him round the back.
OBAMA: Joe.
BIDEN: Kick, then.

@AlanFelyk

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

@NathanBgood

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Me: Not cool, dude. Jan’s just pregnant.
Him:..
Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.

@ThePocketJustin

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

@Mr_Kapowski

I want to know the backstory of when an eyelash turns evil and says “That’s it. I’m done protecting the eye. I’m going in to destroy it now”

@Love_bug1016

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”