I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
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Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I love wikipedia
I’m aging like a fine banana
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner