There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.
I’m not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face….that’s wasteful. I’d drink it first and then glass you.
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(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what’s going on inside your head
(Me, thinking about a panini) I don’t want to talk about it
The fact that other bad things are happening is not an argument against fighting a particular bad thing.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
*high fives self*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.