@Poutymcgee

I’m not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face….that’s wasteful. I’d drink it first and then glass you.

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@LisaMcAlister1

There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.

@mattytalks

(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what’s going on inside your head
(Me, thinking about a panini) I don’t want to talk about it

@TheTweetOfGod

The fact that other bad things are happening is not an argument against fighting a particular bad thing.

@JessicaVarsity

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

@KyleMcDowell86

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

@chuuew

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

@LindseyEllison2

If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.