@WheelTod

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

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@PetrickSara

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

@that_mothafucka

In a perfect world anyone that said they, “literally died,” would drop dead on the spot.

@rz0ndy

My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.

That’s all the DNA test I need.

@Birdhumms

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

@ThoughtOtter

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

@lovemydogduck

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

@LisaMcAlister1

Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.

@seanforhire

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

@sensitivetim

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

@iRowlf

A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you “Notice anything different about my hair?”