I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I hate when that happens.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell