Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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In a perfect world anyone that said they, “literally died,” would drop dead on the spot.
My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.
That’s all the DNA test I need.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you “Notice anything different about my hair?”