I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang