I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all