@omically

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

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@WilliamAder

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

@charstarlene

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

@AbbieEvansXO

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

@computerfact

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

@pbear79

He died doing what he loved most…

Correcting my grammar.

@TuffyNyC

The next person who calls it an ATM Machine is getting sent to the ICU Unit.

@LindseyEllison2

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

@jakob_huber

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*