I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

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Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?


The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating


Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*


humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out


He died doing what he loved most…

Correcting my grammar.


The next person who calls it an ATM Machine is getting sent to the ICU Unit.


If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.


“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*