I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
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99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
SPLOOT
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Breaking news:
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’