@CountMackula

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

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@krissywillbretz

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

@shanemadej

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

@slimmy_shady

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

@PaperWash

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

@Madrass_badsass

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

@TravZA

If you’re going to a wedding this weekend and you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I’m sorry, I lost a bet.

@PFTompkins

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

@slyoung5

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

@DaddyJew

Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.

@wesleysnipes

Today I am choosing to stay positive and kind to anyone I encounter today, except vampires.