Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
If you’re going to a wedding this weekend and you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I’m sorry, I lost a bet.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.
Today I am choosing to stay positive and kind to anyone I encounter today, except vampires.