Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Geez man, take it easy.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Still my favourite meme.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.