I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
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Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Milk Cube
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Shoo shoo! 😂