I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream


If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.


*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*

*Turns to GF*

“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”


Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.


I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.


My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair


I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.