Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
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I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
So I neutered my car yesterday
Neutered my car
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
M: Um, you just spelled “qwerty” as “querty”.
M: Look at the keyboard.
M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything