@RCKruseKontrol

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@joeljeffrey

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

@Tmoney68

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

@Kyle1092

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

@LnL245

M: Um, you just spelled “qwerty” as “querty”.
H: So?
M: Look at the keyboard.
H: And?

M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]

@SortaBad

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

@thetits

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

@daemonic3

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

@wickedimproper

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything