If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
i love modern commerce