I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
The trouble with cops is if one’s a douchebag you can’t ask to speak to a manager.
guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?
Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.