Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
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Fabulous Prime: The Gay Transformer.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them