I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

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A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.


I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.


Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.


GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.


[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist


ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls


wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them