@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

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@marebytes

I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”

@AngryRaccoon2

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

@MarfSalvador

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

@SwedishCanary

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

@nyquills

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

@PaperWash

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

@TheNYAMProject

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

@AdmiralAkbrown

The trouble with cops is if one’s a douchebag you can’t ask to speak to a manager.

@ihateitmunky

guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?

Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed

@Inferno_V

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.