Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
You Might Also Like
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My therapist after every session
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do