I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
How to find Kentucky on a map