I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

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Just when you think your heart’s completely broken, it breaks a lil more.


[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen


Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.


DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what


My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.


There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.


If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.


Do me a faver?

Look at any object near you


now imagen its a diferent thing

how was youre experience?

i imagened pencil is baseball


Me: I really think we should hide the body

Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works


Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.