Just when you think your heart’s completely broken, it breaks a lil more.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– most kinds of bear
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
You Might Also Like
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Do me a faver?
Look at any object near you
now imagen its a diferent thing
how was youre experience?
i imagened pencil is baseball
Me: I really think we should hide the body
Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.