I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
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Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
When you let grandma cat sit
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross