@TheDeducers

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

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@NrouteHQ

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

@GrantTanaka

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

@KylePlantEmoji

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

@meganamram

It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??

@WhaJoTalkinBout

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

@respected_loner

whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i’ll hack into their security cameras real fast
[types “job openings” into google]

@platinum2000

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

@Desert_Musings

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

@thelateinnings

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it