I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
You Might Also Like
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
A new level of troll.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI