King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
wife: how many beers is that for you?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i’ll hack into their security cameras real fast
[types “job openings” into google]
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
cop: did anyone follow you here
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it