If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches