I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
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I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”