I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
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The devil.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Hot Panini is in big trouble
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family