I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
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MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
😅😅😅
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Running from your problems is cardio .
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
January has been Januweary
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*