I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
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