@AlbertBrooks

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

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@mack44_d

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

@ojedge

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

@dubstep4dads

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

@existential_d

my mum has bad english (she’s thai) and sometimes it’s hard to communicate. yesterday we were arguing, going back and forth until she ended my career by saying ‘you will never understand… i am rice, you are potato’ and tbh… i’m still trying to think of a comeback,, respect

@PhriendlyCody

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

@NarisaTrammell

When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.

@Reverend_Scott

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

@hotdogsladies

I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”

@senorwinces

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.