I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
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Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I hope they boil the right one.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing